Don't F*cking Panic

A sample of Don't F*cking Panic

Don’t F*cking Panic

The Sh*t They Don’t Tell You in Therapy About Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks, & Depression

Kelsey Darragh

Thought Catalog Books · thoughtcatalog.com · New York · Los Angeles

THOUGHT CATALOG BOOKS is a publishing imprint of Thought Catalog, a digital magazine for thoughtful storytelling. Thought Catalog is owned by The Thought & Expression Company, an independent media group based in Brooklyn, NY, which also owns and operates Shop Catalog, a curated shopping experience featuring our best-selling books and one-of-a-kind products, and Collective World, a global creative community network. Founded in 2010, we are committed to helping people become better communicators and listeners to engender a more exciting, attentive, and imaginative world. As a publisher and media platform, we help creatives all over the world realize their artistic vision and share it in print and digital form with audiences across the globe. ThoughtCatalog.com Thoughtful Storytelling

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Copyright © 2020 Kelsey Darragh. All rights reserved. Published by Thought Catalog Books. This book was produced by Chris Lavergne and Noelle Beams. Art direction, design, and illustration by KJ Parish. Special thanks to Bianca Sparacino for creative editorial direction and Isidoros Karamitopoulos for circulation management. Visit us on the web at thoughtcatalog.com and shopcatalog.com. Made and printed in the United States of America. ISBN 978-1-949759-27-3

Table of contents

• So WTF Is This Book Exactly?!? — 9
• About Me, Your Anxious, Depressed, And Panicked Pal — 13
• How To Use This Workbook To Its Fullest Friggin' Potential — 16
• Anxiety Vs. Anxiety Disorder Vs. Panic Attacks — 21
• Describe Your Anxiety — 23
• Write Your Anxiety Story — 25
• Intrusive Thoughts — 28
• Let's Break Down That Intrusive Thought — 31
• Intrusive Thoughts Exercise — 34
• Reframing — 35
• Rumination — 39
• Anxiety & Perfectionism — 46
• OCD & Anxiety — 49
• Consider Yourself To Be Conscientious Instead! — 52
• Making Mistakes — 53
• Anxiety & Control — 57
• Social Anxiety Challenge — 63
• When Your Anxiety Comes "Out Of Nowhere" — 64
• Feeling That You Can't Pinpoint Your Anxiety? — 64
• Anxiety Triggers List — 66
• Canceling Plans — 72
• Yoga & Anxiety — 76
• The Mind-Body Connection — 79
• Meditation & Mindfulness — 81
• Watch Yo Mind — 83
• Mindwatching — 85
• Shame & Anxiety — 89
• Dissociative Anxiety — 93
• Okay, Fine —Let's Talk About Anxiety, Drugs, And Alcohol — 102
• Confidence & Self-Compassion — 108
• Sending Light — 111
• Milk Milk Milk — 116
• The Knitting Craze — 118
• Contribute More Than You Criticize — 121
• Creating Boundaries — 122
• Dating/Love Anxiety — 124
• A Lil Lover History With Kelsey & Her Anxiety Disorders — 128

• Large Crowd Anxiety — 131
• The Exit Plan — 132
• Hangover Anxiety — 135
• Grocery Store & Food Anxiety — 137
• Work Anxiety — 141
• Take Advantage Of Your #SelfCareSunday — 145
• News/ Social Media Anxiety — 151
• Neuroplasticity — 160
• Understanding Types Of Therapy — 163
• The "Good Things" Jar — 167
• Anxiety Tips For Partners — 169
• How To Help Your Partner Through A Crisis — 173
• Word Bank — 177

Panic

• Panic Attacks — 178
• How To Manage A Panic Attack — 179
• Understanding Fight-Or-Flight Response — 186
• Things That Can Cause Fight, Flight, Freeze, Or Fawn — 188
• Panic Attack Symptoms — 189
• The Breathing — 190
• Be Liam Neeson — 194
• Anchor Thoughts — 196
• The Panic Attack About Getting A Panic Attack — 199
• Make Your Own Panic Attack Prep Kit — 206
• Record Your Panic — 208
• The Panic Thermometer — 210
• 15 Realistic Things You Can Do To Help Me Through A Panic Attack — 212
• Tapping — 220
• Flying Panic Attacks — 228
• Flight Attendants Are Your Bffs 4eva — 231
• My Flying Essentials Bag — 233
• Avoidance — 235
• The Panic Poos — 238
• Kelsey's Top 5 Panic Attacks — 240
• Acupuncture — 248

Depression

• Depression — 252
• 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - Don't Think, Just Do It! — 258
• Set A S.m.a.r.t. Goal — 261
• Myom — 263
• The Solo Date — 265
• It's Okay To Be Alone & Depressed — 268
• "Don't Be Sad, Go Get A Tattoo" - A Tiktok Proverb — 271
• Masturbation And Depression — 273
• Depression & Creativity — 277
• Therapists — 279
• Suicide & Suicidal Ideation — 283
• The Aftershock — 286
• 10/10/10 Exercise — 287
• Depression Sleep — 290
• Okay, Well, Maybe...The Fallin' Asleep Is Hard As F*Ck, Too — 299
• Meeting Little Kelsey — 305
• The Five "Insteads" — 311
• Journaling — 314
• What Is Impostor Syndrome? — 319
• No Apologies Necessary — 325
• Self-Care Bingo — 326
• You Probably Need A Shower — 328
• Daily Habits That Drain Our Energy — 331
• Instagram Hashtags That Will Make You Happy Instantly — 332
• How To Change Chores Into Acts Of Self-Care — 333
• Depression Eating — 337
• Trait Vs. State — 338
• Reinforce The Good — 342
• Paying It Forward — 344
• Power Stance — 349
• The Purge: A Challenge — 351
• You Are Always Changing — 353
• Resource Index — 358
• Acknowledgments — 360

So WTF Is This Book Exactly?!?

This is an honest-as-shit book of tips, tricks, and exercises for a generation afflicted by real-ass anxiety, depression, and panic that’s hindering us from seizing our entire lives by the balls. This was not written by a doctor—in fact, our author dropped out of three colleges (THREE!!) —but by a real person who has spent her whole life desperately and successfully managing her mental health daily.

There are three sections to this book: Anxiety, Panic, and Depression...BUT! This isn’t JUST a book about those things! No, no, no, this is a many feelings book! In DON’T F*CKING PANIC!, we’re going to give you a myriad of tools to process all those feelings in a fun, ~*sometimes fucked up*~, and genuine way. Sometimes you may feel sad, anxious, or even panicked when reading this, and we’ll explain why that’s okay! In fact, it’s ENCOURAGED! After all, feelings are just FEELINGS... not FACTS! We hope to quell those ruminating feelings and perhaps reverse them. Or, hell, maybe sitting in your feelings and having a good-ass cry over takeout! The journey will be as multifaceted as a human can be! DON’T F*CKING PANIC is an interactive workbook that’s meant to be carried with you, reader friend. Something to be written in, laughed with, cried on, torn up, and shared with a stranger who, maybe, one day, might need a page more than you do.

This book is young, fresh, and f*cking brash as f*ck. Remember, Kelsey’s not a doctor. She’s here to keep it real, and sometimes that means being dark or funny or both, because when you’re deep in mental-health management, it’s like being in some fucked-up club you didn’t ask for membership to, but since we’re all standing in the same line, you’re allowed to joke about it. The beauty of this book is that each page is a different working exercise, sometimes coupled with an anecdote or personal story of Kelsey’s matching the page’s theme. For example, the page that works on airplane anxiety also has a paragraph about Kelsey’s suggestions for the best seat to sit in for anxious fliers, how to score free drinks, and the best way to keep the reader’s hands busy if a seat-back movie just ain’t cutting it.

Or, maybe you’re having a panic attack RIGHT EFFING NOW and need relief. Kelsey gives you step-by-step advice that not only covers breathing exercises but also how to manage the anxiety shits that come with the rush of a panic attack (you read that right).

In our "Depression" section, Kelsey gets honest: If you’re going to be depressed in bed for 12 hours a day, let’s talk about how to make the most of those 12 hours in bed (she definitely recommends finding time to masturbate, because, as research shows, orgasming can help improve sleep as well as self-image, and reduce stress!).

There will also be conflicting ideas and methodology to read and practice along the way, because no one’s mental health is exactly the same. Although we, as a society, like to classify people into groups and disorders, everyone’s brain is completely different. What might work for one person might be totally useless to another! Kelsey encourages you to try them all; maybe what you thought was a stupid and silly technique upon first glance might be the thing that gets you through your next panic attack! Or, hey, something to put in your Rolodex the next time a friend of yours is having a hard time. NICE WORK, ANXIETY HELPER! YOU GO, GLEN COCO! Look at it this way: If there was one thing that worked for everyone, we wouldn’t have hundreds of thousands of self-help books to choose from at bookstores and "suggested readings" all over Amazon.

This book is here to help people recognize their anxiety/panic/depression—accept it, and learn to manage it. Even if that management comes in the form of tracing Ryan Gosling’s face in the name of mindfulness. So, are you ready to dive in? It’s more of a "wading" into the water from the shallow end. We have blow-up floaties, a hot lifeguard, and extra oxygen tanks on deck here.

Before you begin

The exercises in this book are meant to be repeated as often as needed and are not limited to the space provided to write! If you need lots of room to process your feelings, my advice is to get a clean notebook to use alongside this book. Go nuts and write unapologetically...use all the paper you need! There are also some exercises you can download and print at home (see the Resource Index).

Trigger warning

THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN BY A (VERY) SENSITIVE COMEDIAN WHO OFTEN USES HUMOR TO COPE WITH HER MENTAL-HEALTH STRUGGLES. SINCE THIS WORKBOOK DOES CARRY SOME LIGHTHEARTED CONVOS AS WELL AS THE DEEP DARK SHIT (HI, SUICIDAL IDEOLOGY! THANKS FOR CHECKING IN, YOU DIRTY RAT BASTARD!!! ARGH, COME OVER HERE, GIMME A HUG, YOU FUCK!), IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING THAT EACH PAGE COULD CONTAIN A TRIGGER WARNING WHILE TALKIN’ ’BOUT THESE TOP-EES ("TOPICS." SORRY, I’M NERVOUS).

About Me, Your Anxious, Depressed, and Panicked Pal

I’m Fucked Up. I Have Problems. I am Not Normal. My Brain is Broken...Is Yours, Too? These were some of the titles I came up with when trying to name this workbook (omitted title: I’M INCURABLE AND I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING ALREADY AND MOST DAYS I FEEL LIKE I’M LIVING IN THE TRUMAN SHOW AND MY WHOLE LIFE IS AN ACID TRIP AND IS YOUR HEART BEATING AS FAST AS MINE??? THE SKY COULD BEND AT ANY MOMENT LIKE THAT SCENE IN INCEPTION STARRING LEONARDO DICAPRIO.) Notice how NEGATIVE all those titles sound???

FEAR NOT! This is simply my high-functioning, yet debilitating, anxiety talking. Just a peek behind my brain curtains! Welcome to the show!

I’ve lived with generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and major depressive disorder my whole life. I was diagnosed when I was 17, but could tell from a very early age that my brain didn’t seem to function like everyone else around me. At the tender age of six, during a soccer match, while all my friends were focused on the game, I’d be walking up and down the bench, asking everyone how they thought our lungs were able to breathe on their own, and why did our veins pump blood, and how did I know my heart wasn’t just going to stop beating at any moment?

After being rinsed and left out to dry by the healthcare system over 15+ years, I’ve spent the majority of my adult life advocating for mental-health issues in young people. I’ve made videos on YouTube that have amassed more than 250 million views to date. During the time of creating and writing this workbook, I went through some of the most challenging times of my adult life. I left my job of four years as a producer for the viral international entertainment conglomerate, BuzzFeed. I went through the most trying time of my three-year relationship with my partner. I stopped drinking alcohol (I NEVER could have predicted this one). I had fiery chronic pain flare-ups that left me wondering if I wanted to live in my body any longer. I visited over six countries, flying over 50 flights for work. (Have I mentioned that I have a paralyzing fear of flying?) OH YEAH, AND THE WORLD WENT THROUGH A GLOBAL PANDEMIC!!! NBD (no big deal). Needless to say, if there was anyone that could’ve used a workbook like this—IT WAS ME. I suffered, and in return, I would write out my feelings, turning that suffering into meaning. I learned that I am indeed stronger than I gave myself credit for. Using the pages in the book as my own form of therapy (although I have three human therapists, too), I found myself getting weirdly fervent after a particularly stressful time, as I knew it was material for this book. I truly believe that the universe gave me these mental hardships and disorders to use them for good to help others, like YOU!

For a long time, I would wake up every morning internally screaming, "WHY ME?? WHY THE FUCK AM I THE PERSON WHO HAS THIS SHIT??" Now, I see each panic attack, depressive episode, and anxious situation as material to connect with you all. I remind myself that I am not the only one who feels this way and I repeat to myself, over and over, "There are others just like me. This too shall pass... and will probably be a chapter in the workbook."

As a comedian, producer, and Internet person in Los Angeles, I’ve chosen a life in the public eye and in a constant state of freelancing, with no guarantee where my next paycheck comes from. My career involves being a public figure on the Internet, where I am regularly judged by millions of people, host live TV events, and work on million-dollar shoots where I have no excuse to drop out, lest I risk said millions of dollars, not to mention people’s time and money—LOLOL, NO PRESSURE, RIGHT? WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF??? Welp, for the simple fact that it’s my passion. And while there have been days when my mental health has told me to quit—that there’s no way I can have a sustainable career in this industry with all these "issues" flaring up at any moment—thinking about moving back in with my parents, getting a traditional 9-5, and giving up on my dreams gives me more anxiety than that does.

I’m grateful to feel things—even the shitty feelings. Can you believe it!?...You probably don’t, and I don’t blame you, because, 10 years ago, I would’ve told anyone that suggested I’d be grateful for my depression one day to fuck right off. I spent so many years trying to escape the uncomfortable feelings that it kept me from ever popping back in on those scary/sad feelings to see if I felt any different about them years later. That’s right, YEARS. I was in DENIAL of my feelings, which, I found out, TO NO ONE’S SURPRISE, isn’t the way to feel better. The feelings don’t just disappear. If they do for you? GOOD FOR YOU! THIS ISN’T YOUR WORKBOOK. Perhaps we have feelings that we’ve buried so far down, we don’t realize that they’re even still there under all those dusty brain thoughts! It wasn’t until I was finally on the edge of life—FURIOUS at what I had become (shivering, sad, suicidal, in and out of inpatient and outpatient programs, sick of speaking to doctors who saw me as a subject and not a person and mad enough at myself (although I couldn’t figure out why I was the target of my own anger) —that I realized I could no longer run from the big, bad, scary things in my head. The shit in my head made me believe I was the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD who thought these things. I thought I was "crazy." I found myself asking, "What does ’crazy’ even mean?" I self-identify as "crazy" quite often. I feel like I’m "allowed" though, right? But though I found comfort in taking back the word, I was terrified of being labeled "crazy" by other people. I had repetitive thoughts of completely losing my mind and being locked away in a mental hospital, forgetting who I was and just living as a blob of skin until, finally, someone would put me out of my misery. And no amount of professional help (although incredibly vital) would be the thing that "fixed" me. In the end, I knew that it was up to ME to put in a lot of the hard work, including getting myself up to GO to those doctor appointments! If I kept running from myself, I’d dissociate forever and end up living exactly like that blob of skin I was so afraid of becoming. So, my dear reader, that is what this workbook is all about: facing those fears, taking a chance on yourself, and taking off all that shame, setting it down for a little bit. I’m so excited for you. Because, I’ve been you. I AM you. And always will be.

I’ve learned how to manage living, not run from what I fear.

We know there is not a single pill, or a spell, or a professional who can take it all away. It’s up to us to decide how we manage these feelings.

Remember: You are not alone. You may feel frustrated, broken, and damaged, but you are not those thoughts and feelings. Creating this workbook has deeply changed how I view and approach who I am in this world. How I exist. How I turned all those scary and unfamiliar thoughts into friends. I changed how I viewed my anxiety, panic, and depression, turning my life around in a way that I never thought was possible. I hope these exercises and passages help you change the way you feel about yourself and all the shit you hate in your brain. I hope you learn that you can love that shit, too.

XOXO, GOSSIP GIRL (Just kidding, I’m Kelsey.)

How to Use This Workbook to Its Fullest Friggin’ Potential

(A.K.A. Don’t let this be another cute-ass book that collects dust on your shelf)

1. I am not a doctor. In fact, I dropped out of three liberal arts colleges and smoked weed pretty much my entire high school experience. But what I lack in degrees, I make up for in psychiatry appointments, a stint in an inpatient mental-health rehab facility and an outpatient treatment center, so-many-therapy-appointments-I-couldn’t-even-count, studying every book about mood disorders I could get my hands on, and a general "I’ve been fucking THROUGH IT" attitude. I know the American mental healthcare system in and out, and I know how frustrating, scary, and isolating it can feel. But as much as I’ve been through in my mental-health journey, I’m still not a doctor!! I simply offer tools to, hopefully, help rid you of feelings of frustration, fear, and isolation. I can’t diagnose you or tell you that you need treatment, but I can tell you that you are absolutely not alone. According to the World Health Organization, one out of every four people will experience a mental-health issue in their lives, and 450 million people are currently living with mental illness. But I have a feeling these numbers will rise as we break stigmas and more people feel comfortable talking about their mental health out loud.

2. Write all over this motherfucker!!! This book is filled with exercises, games, graphs, charts, and stories to help you understand and learn more about managing your anxiety, panic, and depression. You can use this book at any moment. Having a panic attack RIGHT NOW? Turn to the chapter "HOW TO MANAGE A PANIC ATTACK RIGHT NOW!!" Know someone going through depression? Gain some insight on how to approach the subject, and rip out a page for them. Some passages might even conflict with methods described on previous pages or chapters. Why? Because not all anxiety, panic, and depression manifests in the same way! Your brain does not fire synapses like mine; therefore, our mental health does not fire off the same patterns! It’s like when a friend suggests a technique to "calm you down" or "cheer you up" when you’re going through it, and it doesn’t work, and you might want to scream at them, "THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK RIGHT NOW, JAN." Or, "I’VE TRIED THAT BEFORE, BECKY!" Then, turn the page and try something else! What works for you may not work for me, and vice versa.

3. GET A PEN THAT FEELS GOOD IN YOUR HANDS! Make it a special mental-health pen with superpowers. When you pick it up, get in the feel-good zone. I’ve tried to include as many types of techniques and exercises as possible, from breathing and mindfulness to CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), to shit I’ve completely made up on my own that I’ve used personally in times of need. I’ve found that just one sentence from a self-help book, or a meme from Tumblr, or something smart a friend said in passing, would strike a chord with me and come in handy the next time I was struggling.

4. Stop when you need to. For me, sometimes talking about my panic disorder can trigger some physical symptoms inside of me. I don’t want that for you! If you find yourself getting anxious reading this, stop for a moment and check in with your body. This book should make you feel uncomfortable at times while we dig a little deeper and get vulnerable, but I never want you to feel triggered. Only you know your limits, bb.

5. All that is to say, learning more about WHY my brain and heart and soul do the things they do does help take the fear out of the worst panic, anxiety, and depression. And that’s empowering as hell. That’s what a big part of this book is all about: giving you the power to take charge of your mental health in moments that seem impossible to get through. Some of it can sound like "work" or "homework," but, I promise, learning the language and vocabulary of these disorders will help you be able to identify and express your needs when you need to understand what is going on in yo head! And, on that note, vocabulary—some people who manage/suffer/deal with/ live with these connections in our brains and bodies might call them conditions, disorders, mental-health challenges, or simply "mental health." For the sake of writing and being sensitive to everyone’s preferred use of terms, I’ll use them ALL in various ways throughout this workbook. Please, don’t be offended. I am sensitive, too.

6. Use this in conjunction with therapy, if you can. I’d be careless to mention this tip without acknowledging the privilege that comes with having accessibility and funds to go to therapy.

   I know, I hear you; therapy is fucking expensive. If you’re able to afford health insurance, or have it through your job, try to look in-network first. Although most therapists (as opposed to psychiatrists and psychologists) do not accept ANY insurance, you can always check out your insurance’s mental-health benefits and try to get reimbursed, especially if you are going more than once a month. (Hi! It’s me!)

   Additionally, most therapists work on a "sliding scale," which means they are willing to "slide" their fees down from the usual cost if you aren’t able to afford their regular rate. However, if you don’t have insurance, it may feel impractical to even consider this expense. There are low-cost therapy apps (resources at the back of the book!), psychoanalytic training centers that may offer free sessions with an MD in a specific type of therapy training, and free support groups that you can attend. The internet is yo friend!

7. We are going to get vulnerable up in this bitch, okay? I’m asking you to go on an adventure with me into the deepest parts of yourself. We’re not just diving in without a parachute, though; I’m too anxious for that shit. We’re going to build a TOOL BELT filled with different types of safety tools that will allow us to take the leap. But as much as I can help you get ready, only YOU can promise to take a searching moral inventory of yourself, so—be honest. Sure, fibbing can be a type of self-protection, but let’s agree right now to rid ourselves of any habitual cover-ups about our mental health. Sounds cool? Cool.

8. This book is broken up into three sections: Anxiety, Panic, and Depression. I did this not only out of selfishness, because these are the main mental-health struggles I deal with on a daily basis, but because science shows that these three "disorders" overlap. In each section, you’ll find stories, exercises, journaling prompts, and coexisting subtopics. Don’t like to read? Great! Tons of writing exercises! Don’t like journaling? AWESOME! There are tons of stories you’re going to love, and I’m not just saying that because I WROTE THEM (okay, I am). See? A BOOK FOR ALL! My hope is that you can at least learn something new that eases your struggles, check on your own mental health with a different perspective, and maybe even... HAVE FUN?!

9. Anytime you see this ✷ W. O. W. ✷ symbol you are receiving some important "words of wisdom" or advice. Take it to heart!

BTW: What kind of doc am I looking for?

Let’s break down the bare bones of the basic three: psychiatrist, psychologist, and therapist.

Psychiatrist-Can diagnose mental illness and prescribe meds.

Psychologist-Can diagnose mental illness but they cannot prescribe meds.

Psychologists go to school longer than a therapist and often work with psychiatrists to monitor medication and changes.

Therapist-Provides support and guidance while helping patients make effective decisions within their overall structure of support.

eat shit, brain. AHHHH!!! anxiety. OMGOMGOMGOMG. *gurgle*. f*ck f*ck f*ck. help. PANIC. !!! *just a little inner scream. NBD.* OMG.

Anxiety

The oldest and longest relationship I can’t break up with!

ME + ANXIETY = BFF?! omgomgomg. f*ck this f*cking sh*t!

Anxiety vs. Anxiety Disorder vs. Panic Attacks

*MEDITATIVE BELL DINGS TO SIGNIFY THE BEGINNING*

LET’S GO OVER SOMETHING!! VERY!!! Important! (!!!) What’s the difference between high anxiety and panic attacks? Mainstream media often conflate the two, but they are VERY DIFFERENT.

A panic attack is your body’s physical, sudden and intense, response to NORMAL thoughts and sensations. If you’re being chased by a bear, then, my dude, you absolutely should be panicking in that life-threatening situation. But if you find yourself PANICKING "out of the blue," or even in high-anxiety situations, it will manifest physically: feeling a sense of impending doom, increased heart rate, sweating, dizziness, feeling pins and needles in your appendages, disorientation, loss of words, etc. More on panic attacks in section two. These suck ass.

Anxiety can suck ass in a different way. It *hits different,* as the kids say. As for anxiety, we can look at it two ways:

1. Everyone has ANXIETY. From the beginning of time, the first people on Earth all carried anxiety. Without it, they would’ve been complacent, and a complacent human is very easy to...well, kill! Our cavemen, cavewomen, and

The available excerpt ends here, partway through this section.