Don't Do What I Did—Break Up & Bounce Back

A sample of Don't Do What I Did—Break Up & Bounce Back

Break Up & Bounce Back

By Kelsey Darragh

Contents

• MY EXES — 15
• WHEN NOT TO READ THIS BOOK — 17
• HOW TO READ THIS BOOK — 17
• FAQ BEFORE WE BEGIN — 21
• WHEN YOU'RE STUCK — 23
• PART 1: THE MESS — 27
• YOU ARE HEARTBROKEN — 35
• Let's Talk About Rejection — 38
• A Little Lesson on Future Trippin' — 41
• YOUR BRAIN IS LISTENING! — 45
• PATRIARCHAL PROGRAMMING & THE TRAPPINGS OF FIRST LOVE — 57
• WTF IS GOING ON WITH ME?! — 75
• Attraction — 76
• Lust — 78
• Attachment — 80
• THE PHASES OF A BREAKUP — 85
• SOME SCIENCE ON MEMORIES — 95
• Welcome to Reconsolidation Station — 97
• NO CONTACT & SOCIAL MEDIA — 99
• No Contact — 99
• But why do I want to text them? — 105
• Social Media & Heartbreak — 108
• The "Insteads" — 113
• Monitor Your "No Contact" Journey — 119
• A Diary Entry From 2012 — 120
• THE CRYING — 129
• THE DOPAMINE DROP — 141
• Some Embarrassing Stories To Make You Feel Better — 150
• Shame — 157
• A NOTE ON "TAKING BREAKS" — 161
• BESTIES & MUTUAL FRIENDS — 163
• Mutual Friends — 164
• A story about my BESTIE and BREAKUPS — 165

• YOU HAVE TO SPLIT UP YOUR STUFF — 175
• The Ding Dong Ditch Is Perfectly Acceptable No Matter Your Age — 181
• How To Let Go Of That SHIT-uationship — 187
• YOU BROKE UP WITH THEM — 189
• HELP! I NEED SOMEONE! — 195
• CLOSURE IS A LIE — 199
• PART 2: THE HEALING — 205
• IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY BUT IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT — 215
• Shape Yourself — 217
• THE HISTORY OF LOVE & HEARTBREAK — 221
• YOUR ROUTINE IS DIFFERENT NOW — 227
• BADLY TIMED BREAKUPS & THE REASONS WHY WE STAY TOO LONG — 233
• Codependency — 250
• Why We Stay Too Long — 256
• Self Abandonment — 262
• WAS IT LOVE OR LIMERENCE? — 265
• SOMATIC HEALING — 269
• SELF-SOOTHING — 281
• You're Going To Be Uncomfortable — 287
• Core Trauma Leftovers — 293
• Revenge Is An Unanswered Text — 297
• Abuse Recovery — 299
• YOU WANT TO CATCH FLIGHTS, NOT FEELINGS — 303
• SLEEPING YOUR WAY THROUGH A BREAKUP — 305
• YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THEM DURING SEX — 311
• DON'T HURT OTHERS TO HEAL YOURSELF — 315
• YOU GUYS ARE THINKING OF BEING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS — 317
• VISION BOARDING FOR HOT GIRLS — 319

• PART 3: THE CHANGE — 325
• VALUES & MORALS — 331
• THE RELAPSE — 339
• YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT BEING FRIENDS AFTER THE HEALING PART — 343
• TO BE CHOSEN OR NOT TO BE CHOSEN, THAT IS THE QUESTION — 347
• CHOOSING TO BE SINGLE (ON PURPOSE!) — 359
• "If You're Not Dating to Marry, You're Dating to Break Up" Is Bullshit — 361
• GETTING BACK OUT THERE — 363
• How They Fight Says A Lot About Them — 364
• Boundaries — 367
• THE FIRST NIGHT YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT THEM — 373
• BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS & AUTHORS REFERENCED — 374
• Recommended Resources — 374
• FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEALED HEART — 375

Dedication

This book is not dedicated to any of my exes.

XOXO

Welcome to the club — pages 11–13

While there is technically no wrong way to go through a breakup (unless your revenge involves you breaking the law), there are a lot of ways that we can make it harder on ourselves. And most people have at least one breakup in their lives that they still wince at the thought of. Maybe it was the way it happened, the immeasurable amount of pain it left on their hearts, or remembering how they reacted gives them the "ick" —but breakups all have one truth to them:

THEY FUCKING SUCK.

If you’re reading this because you’re going through a breakup, there’s no point in me telling you that you’ll feel better—because I know, right now, you just simply won’t believe me. Maybe you think I couldn’t possibly understand how bad you feel or how wrecked your heart is. Maybe you think I’ve never cried on the floor in da club, laid in bed for weeks, screaming, crying, and throwing up over a breakup... that I couldn’t possibly understand how deep your love was. How it was a once-in-a-million kind of love.

But honey, I hate to tell ya...I’ve fuckin’ been there.

OOOOHHH I have soooo been there. And it’s the only reason I was able to write this book! Despite what your brain is screaming at you, know that I and billions of other people have felt exactly the way you do. Which does carry some sort of solace, no? To know that what you’re going through is an entirely normal part of the human experience. No matter how "crazy" or depressed or completely-out-of-your-mind you feel about this breakup, I promise: billions of people know exactly what you’re feeling.

And the best part?

It’s completely survivable.

No matter how it feels today, you are going to be okay. And this little book might help you see that more clearly—and maybe even a little sooner than you’d hoped.

A little housekeeping

For this book, I use gendered pronouns like "he" to describe different scenarios. Why? Because, full disclosure, the MAJORITY of my most gut-wrenching breakups have been with cisgender men. I’m just bein’ honest!! DON’T COME FOR ME!!

However, if you need to flip-flop pronouns to match your situation, please do. You paid for this book (or maybe a very good friend bought it for you—kisses to them!), so use it however the hell you want.

Let me be clear: I’m not a dating expert. I’m not a love coach. If I were, I wouldn’t have so much field research in getting my heart absolutely obliterated into outer space. But I have gotten to a place in my life where, when a relationship ends, I know I’m going to be okay. I know it’ll suck. I’ll cry my eyelash extensions off, scream at the sky, and eat weird food combos...but I have the tools to get through it. That, my friend, is a priceless and empowered feeling. And we are going to get you there—hell or high water, okay?

I’ve dated men, women, theys, gays, and even one witch. And no matter how they identified or how things ended, there’s one hair-pulling, earth-shattering, guttural truth: the breakups all sucked. Each had their own unique flavor that left a very distinct taste in my soul (or mouth).

At my big age of 35, there are still songs that hit too hard ("Stuck in the Middle" by Maren Morris and Zedd), scents that take me out (Blue de Chanel cologne), or even random foods (tiramisu?!) that pulled me back into a memory vortex I wasn’t ready for. And when that wave hits—it can make us feel like we’re right back on the bathroom floor, grieving the relationship all over again.

I’m a big feeler. I literally have the word "sensitive" tattooed on my left hand. There are moments from heartbreak that I genuinely didn’t think I’d survive. I’ve been ghosted, left in the middle of a music festival in the woods, and broken up with the night before my birthday moments after giving a blowjob—Like, homeboy’s bonksauce was still traveling down my trachea! Can it get worse than that?! YES! IT CAN!

But look at me!!!! I’m still alive. And thriving.

I’ve also been on the other side—delivering the breakup. From broken glass and restraining orders to the awkward "uhh, we’re not exclusive, remember?" talk—I’ve been the "villain," too.

What I’ve learned is this: the depth of my hurt is proof of the depth of my love. LOLOLOL you totally don’t want to hear that cheesy shit right now, do you?? Sorry. Sorry. Let’s get back to the intro stuff.

About ME = mid-30s (though, I like to think my aura gives 25). No marriage. No kids. One almost-engagement. I’ve identified as bisexual, pansexual, monogamous, ethically non-monogamous, polyamorous, an ethical slut, a celibate-for-a-year self-declared monk, and someone who definitely lit some of her ex’s stuff on fire. Along the way, I’ve learned some very hard lessons, made a fuck-ton of mistakes, and ultimately healed...over and over again.

So no matter how much of a wreck you think your life is right now, there is something in these pages for you. You are not alone. Even if it feels like your rib cage is caving in and no one else has ever hurt like this—someone has. I have.

Breakups have a weird way of being both the end of something huge and the overwhelming beginnings of something new: a fresh self you haven’t even met yet. Breakups can shake us to our core, and also remind us what matters most. The pain can teach us the most about what we fear. Heartbreak can teach us about what we need, and what we are and aren’t willing to accept in our lives, energetically. Breakups can be the place we meet our most broken parts, and in picking up our own pieces build a more authentic, healed, better-off version of ourselves. That, little by little, we learn to adapt and survive.

And this book? It’s your survival guide. Let’s get to work, babe.

My exes — page 15

You’re going to hear me talk a lot about my exes in this book. I mean, let’s be real: what is the point of being a chronically online oversharer if I can’t kiki with you about my experiences like you’re my bestie letting me cry over multiple slices of funfetti cake?? (God, anything birthday cake flavored just fuckin’ SLAPS.)

I’ve done my best to change any identifying features, because I’m not out here trying to blow up anyone’s spot. And I kindly ask that you don’t go LOOKIN’ for clues to figure out who these people are—because, let’s be real: I’m probably leaving out some key details I was in denial about. I have done some VERY CRAZY SHIT during breakups. So whether I’m trying to make myself look good, or I’m just really that delusional and in denial about some of my own behavior...I’m probably leaving out a few things. BUT IT’S MY BOOK, OKAY?! I’M ONLY HUMAN!

You’ll hear about the people I’ve dated—mostly focusing on the following relationships:

The DJ aka "The Big One"

We dated for five years, lived together, were almost engaged, traveled the world, had an open relationship, and he was the person I truly thought I’d be with for the rest of my life. Hence, The Big One (relationship AND breakup). When we first met, he was a DJ, and on my podcast at BuzzFeed we called him "The DJ" to protect his identity—and it stuck as a nickname to my friends and followers.

Publication details

Copyright © 2026 Kelsey Darragh.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior written consent and permission from Thought Catalog.

Published by Thought Catalog Books®, an imprint of Thought Catalog, a digital magazine owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Co. Inc., an independent media organization founded in 2010 and based in the United States of America. For stocking inquiries, contact stockists@shopcatalog.com.

Produced by Chris Lavergne and Noelle Beams Designed and illustrated by KJ Parish Circulation management by Isidoros Karamitopoulos

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First Limited Edition Print Printed in the United States of America

ISBN 978-1-965820-30-8