You’re Overthinking It: Find Lifelong Love By Being Your True Self

A sample of You’re Overthinking It: Find Lifelong Love By Being Your True Self

You’re Overthinking It

Find Lifelong Love By Being Your True Self

Sabrina Alexis Bendory

Thought Catalog Books

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Copyright © 2023 Sabrina Alexis Bendory.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior written consent and permission from Thought Catalog.

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First Edition, Limited Edition Pressing
Printed in the Unites States of America.

ISBN 978-1-949759-65-5

Introduction

If you’re anything like how I used to be, then love and relationships haven’t exactly come easy to you.

You may have spent the better part of your adult life envisioning and dreaming up what your perfect relationship would look like and have been left jaded and blindsided time and time again when things took a sudden and unexpected turn.

You found out the guy who you thought was your soulmate fell in love with another woman through a Facebook post (yup, happened to me). You started dating an incredible guy, the chemistry was palpable, the conversation flowed effortlessly, your values aligned...and just when you started thinking this was it, he ghosts you. He’s gone with no explanation and you feel like you’ve been knocked sideways. Or maybe you desperately want to get back together with your ex boyfriend. You know you’re perfect together, you know this could work, you know this will work, but he doesn’t feel the same and wants no part of it and you just can’t let go. Or maybe you met an amazing guy and everything is great...but he won’t call you his girlfriend. He doesn’t like labels, he wants to keep things as they are, he just has so much going on with work. He wants you, but not in the way you want him to. Maybe all of your relationships seem to go this way and you’re at the point where you just expect things to fall apart before they even really begin. Or maybe you’ve been single for what feels like forever and you just don’t get it. Why can’t you find love? Why is it so hard?

Maybe you just can’t seem to get it right. Maybe you sometimes feel like there is some sort of conspiracy against you. Maybe you’re afraid of ending up alone.

I feel you and I hear you because I was you.

And my quest to understand and get a handle on my love life turned into a really successful career. What felt like an unsolvable riddle became so clear to me and I’ve spent the last 13 years sharing my knowledge and helping countless women all over the world find lasting love. And by the time you finish this book, you will be well on your way.

This is not a book full of tricks and gimmicks. This book will reveal the truth about relationships and the truth about yourself. You will learn exactly why love has been so evasive for you and what it takes to attract love that lasts.

You will finally break free of the cycle of endlessly analyzing and stressing over your relationships. You will arrive at a beautiful land called clarity where you will understand what went wrong in the past and what you can do today to become the woman you’ve always wanted to be and get the relationship you’ve always wanted.

I was where you are, I wanted what you want. I desperately just wanted to understand. I wanted to find lasting love. I wanted to learn how to love myself. I wanted to feel empowered and sure of myself. I wanted to stop all the stressing and overthinking and just get what I wanted out of life.

And I did. And I’ve helped many, many people just like you and I promise, you will get there!

So, Who Am I & Why Should You Listen To Me?

In short, I am you.

For the last decade plus, I’ve essentially been writing for my younger self. I’ve been writing everything I wish I would have known.

It started with a website, and then there was an email list...and e-books...and audio courses...and then a YouTube channel...and all the social media. No matter what platform, millions of women all around the world have found wisdom, insight, empowerment, and lasting love from following my advice.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Call me a doe-eyed optimist, but that is one of my convictions that has never really wavered. When I was 17, I met a boy who made my heart beat a little differently from the rest. He just had a certain something that I was never able to find again. The relationship wasn’t serious, but it was significant. I was crazy about him. And I just remember feeling OK whenever I talked to him. I just felt right, like this was how things were supposed to be. I can’t quite explain it; it was just this feeling of quiet calm. The relationship failed and he ended up being my first major heartbreak. I wanted something serious, he wanted to be a freshman in college and take nothing seriously—save for an intense game of beer pong. I was crushed. I analyzed and replayed the relationship on loop for months. That was probably the start of my quest to understand men...the never-ending quest that turned into a career! But all’s well that ends well, we are actually now married with three kids!

Experience is the greatest teacher, and my relationship experiences have given me a wealth of invaluable knowledge. My entire life has been consumed by relationships. I’m in a relationship, but I also spend most of my time reading about relationships, talking to people about their relationships, writing about relationships, and observing relationships. It’s a fascinating topic that I’ll never get bored with because there is always so much more to learn. And that’s the sad part, actually. It’s such an important topic, but so few people get the education they need to have successful, happy relationships.

Rejection can be a crushing, gutting experience, and even though there is much greater pain in the world, and even though I certainly am not the only girl to have had her heart broken, at the time it truly felt like no one on the entire planet could possibly fathom what I was going through.

When I created A New Mode, I really aimed to create a place that would foster that feeling of sisterhood, a place where women could find understanding and answers. I am still stunned by the fact that women of all ages and from every corner of the world, write to me with the exact same questions, the exact same pain, and all they want are answers and understanding.

You’re Overthinking It…

I have written a lot over the years, like a lot. I have so much material in the form of articles, newsletters, books, YouTube videos, and audio programs it literally took me two months to sort through it all. This book is a compilation of some of my best work. The content that hit the hardest made the strongest impression, and really got people thinking and talking.

The fact is, getting what you want in life isn’t as out of reach as it may seem. It isn’t an epic mountain to climb. You just need the right tools and to learn how to utilize them properly. You already have everything you need...I’m just here to teach you how to use it.

The problem usually starts in your own mind. It’s the thoughts and stories we tell ourselves. And the good news is, you have complete control over your mind! And when you get a handle on your mindset, everything will change for you.

Here is where so many of us go wrong.

Most people just don’t know what makes for a healthy relationship and what sets the foundation for a healthy relationship. It really starts with having a clear understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. Most people don’t have this because mainstream media only shows us dysfunctional relationships, since those are more fun to watch.

In terms of how to get to that strong place internally, it’s really about getting your mind under control, learning to manage your thoughts and perspectives, and not feeding into thoughts that feel bad to you.

A lot of people create stories about themselves based on the things that happen. For example, your partner leaves you for someone else and you tell yourself, "It’s because I’m unloveable and unworthy and every guy I truly care for will find someone better." This story becomes hardwired into your psyche and has an effect on your future relationships, even though it isn’t a conscious thought.

You carry the pain into your next relationship and bring all that anxiety with you, which prevents you from being able to be present and form a connection. Then that relationship fails and you use that as further proof that you are unworthy, and on and on the cycle goes until you finally challenge those faulty beliefs that were wired into your brain.

Once we learn how to undo the stories we tell ourselves, and more importantly, once we get our thoughts and relationship anxiety under control, not only can we have the relationship we want, we can have anything we want in life.

You have so much more power over your life than you realize. In this book, I’ll show you how to use it.

While my last book, 10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men, was all about understanding men and why they act the way they do, I wanted to create a resource that focused more on you and your experience of getting and being in a relationship. The tools I share will help you attract lasting love, but they will also help you foster a better, healthier relationship with yourself. You will learn how to increase your feelings of self-worth and self-esteem, and we’ve all heard that you can only find love from the outside when you feel it on the inside.

This book applies whether you’re single or taken, whether you’re a man or a woman. One key thing I’ve observed is that it takes the same skills to get a relationship as it does to be in a relationship—at least a happy, loving, mutually fulfilling relationship.

And it takes the same skills to be good at relationships as it does to be good at life. Everything is connected.

What I share in the book can help you in all areas of your life: career, parenthood, reducing anxiety, being healthier overall, and so much more. This book is about getting what you want in life and being the person you want to be.

While this book is a compilation of my previous work, there are also plenty of new insights, stories, and ideas. I really wanted to provide a thorough look at relationships from the inside out. I wanted to look at why so many relationships falter and what it takes to avoid that and get the amazing relationship you’ve always wanted—and how to do it by being your absolute true self. No pretense, no facade, no becoming something you’re not.

I organized this book in a way to break it all down and make it crystal clear so you have no more questions, no more stress, no more overthinking, only clarity.

So let’s dive in and look at exactly what you need to know to have the love (and life) you’ve always wanted.

Chapter 1: Choosing the Right Partner

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

—Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you’re choosing the wrong partner. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. We hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what we’re doing wrong, why we can’t seem to make it fit, why we can’t get the love we want. You can’t turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldn’t or couldn’t give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn’t get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but it’s a very tricky thing. We fall for these people because it feels so right, because we’re swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for them. We convince ourselves that this is it, that they’re the one and we just need to make them see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe you’ve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this person is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong partner. If you’re hung up on someone who can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a person with baggage, a person with serious issues, a person who you think would be perfect "if only" they changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a partner, it’s important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you. You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’t—for the life of you—get this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with him—what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re made for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his social media accounts, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to

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